Immature

Last week was one of the worst weeks in my entire life. If I add up all the stress I had in my life, it would be less than what I went through only last week. At a certain point I felt like I could not handle it anymore; I felt i was getting physically sick and was scared I would collapse at any moment.

One of the issues I faced was at work; a stupid reason I was stressed for was because I wanted another leave for a week to attend the MENA LDS in Morocco. The reason I was so scared to ask for another leave was because I had already left twice to two different conferences the same month; asking for a third one would be too much to ask. After practicing what to say and how to say it and when to say it and all that stuff, I decided on Wednesday that it was time for me to let my boss know. He was busy all day with a lot of people and I couldn't get a chance to talk to him; I stayed in the office till 6pm hoping that he will get free for at least 5 minutes. One of my colleagues stayed with me to give me moral support so that I would have the guts to go ahead and ask.

My boss was at one of the other employee’s desk and they were planning something for the next day, my colleague who was there to give me support called the guy and told him to stay with her so that I could go and talk to my boss. Anyways the guy got very angry and said “she should not be so shy, just go and approach him” he left us and went told something to my boss. My boss approached me and said “yes Shereen, you wanted to talk to me?” at the same time I was so shocked at the reaction of the guy and I said why did you do that you khar (meaning donkey). That was the most stupid and immature thing I did in my life; I did not mean it at all, it was just a slip of my tongue but what was done was done. He told me not to call him names and stop being so scared when it comes to our manager. My boss looked at me not believing what just happened and asked me again what it was I wanted to tell him, I told him I just wanted to tell him that I was going to leave (which is not the true reason why I wanted to talk to him) He was like "you can go you don’t have to tell me". I picked up my things and left; on the way I could not hold my tears, they came running down. While I was waiting for the elevator I was trying to take deep breathes to stop the tears but it was of no use. The security guy was just sitting there watching me not understanding why I was crying the way I was. The door to the elevator opened up and to my luck it was full, I squeezed in and wanted to just get the hell out of where I was. When I got in everything got quiet; I guess they saw me crying. One of them was trying to get the conversation going so that it doesn’t feel awkward but it was of no use; it was obvious I was crying. I got out and walked as fast as I could to the parking lot; I got into the car and just let it all out. I really don’t know how long I stayed there and I didn't care if I was late for class or not. After some time had passed I drove to university and again the tears rolled down. I felt like a kid, like I was immature and was making a scene out of it; but these stupid tears would not stop, just STOP!!

I got to class on time, but I only stayed for 20 minutes. I apologized from the professor and left. She could see that I was not feeling well and I was not contributing like I usually did so she let me leave. When I got home, I felt like I was going to collapse; I told the maid to get me some salty food because my blood pressure had dropped. I ate and went to my room; I laid on my bed thinking again what had happened, how I could have done what I did, and why I was feeling this way. I was sad but also angry at myself for being so immature. I could not face my colleagues the next day, what would I do? What would I say? I got up and washed up and went to bed very early. I had cried so much that day that I was drained and I feel asleep so fast that I cant even remember what time it was.