Hopeless

Looking at the rain through these big windows at the office brought back memories that I didn’t want to remember. Rainy days are my favorite although I have a lot of bad memories with it. Today I went back to my first couple of months in Canada. Days that were very sad not only because I missed my family and friends, but because I had become something I was not. I went back to one particular day when I was sitting in the grass next to the football field and listening to classical Persian music. I was thinking of how I could have become so weak, how I lost all that passion for life. I know that if anyone from Bahrain saw me there he/she would not believe their eyes and would think that I am just acting.

In Bahrain I was very naughty at school and I enjoyed every second of it. But in Canada I had completely changed; I became a very shy person that could not look at people in the eye while walking in t he high school corridors. I felt so bad at that moment, I felt I was worthless. It was on that rainy day where I shed my first tears in Canada. It was on that rainy day where I walked through the heavy rain back home without even thinking of the classes I was missing. It felt like a movie; I was numb, the music was good, I was sad, I felt hopeless and I wanted to get the hell out of there.

Lagged

It’s been a while since I have posted anything, but it doesn’t mean I haven’t been up to anything. The last couple of weeks were the most intense weeks of my life both with good and bad events happening. The stress from work, the leave from work to go to MENA LDS, MENA LDS itself, my final exams, AIESEC recruitment and so on.

Almost everyone who attended MENA LDS has either blogged or talked their lungs out about this magical conference; I on the other hand have kept the conference all to myself. I think it’s because I am still not able to process what just happened but I will tell you all about it some time soon.

Immature

Last week was one of the worst weeks in my entire life. If I add up all the stress I had in my life, it would be less than what I went through only last week. At a certain point I felt like I could not handle it anymore; I felt i was getting physically sick and was scared I would collapse at any moment.

One of the issues I faced was at work; a stupid reason I was stressed for was because I wanted another leave for a week to attend the MENA LDS in Morocco. The reason I was so scared to ask for another leave was because I had already left twice to two different conferences the same month; asking for a third one would be too much to ask. After practicing what to say and how to say it and when to say it and all that stuff, I decided on Wednesday that it was time for me to let my boss know. He was busy all day with a lot of people and I couldn't get a chance to talk to him; I stayed in the office till 6pm hoping that he will get free for at least 5 minutes. One of my colleagues stayed with me to give me moral support so that I would have the guts to go ahead and ask.

My boss was at one of the other employee’s desk and they were planning something for the next day, my colleague who was there to give me support called the guy and told him to stay with her so that I could go and talk to my boss. Anyways the guy got very angry and said “she should not be so shy, just go and approach him” he left us and went told something to my boss. My boss approached me and said “yes Shereen, you wanted to talk to me?” at the same time I was so shocked at the reaction of the guy and I said why did you do that you khar (meaning donkey). That was the most stupid and immature thing I did in my life; I did not mean it at all, it was just a slip of my tongue but what was done was done. He told me not to call him names and stop being so scared when it comes to our manager. My boss looked at me not believing what just happened and asked me again what it was I wanted to tell him, I told him I just wanted to tell him that I was going to leave (which is not the true reason why I wanted to talk to him) He was like "you can go you don’t have to tell me". I picked up my things and left; on the way I could not hold my tears, they came running down. While I was waiting for the elevator I was trying to take deep breathes to stop the tears but it was of no use. The security guy was just sitting there watching me not understanding why I was crying the way I was. The door to the elevator opened up and to my luck it was full, I squeezed in and wanted to just get the hell out of where I was. When I got in everything got quiet; I guess they saw me crying. One of them was trying to get the conversation going so that it doesn’t feel awkward but it was of no use; it was obvious I was crying. I got out and walked as fast as I could to the parking lot; I got into the car and just let it all out. I really don’t know how long I stayed there and I didn't care if I was late for class or not. After some time had passed I drove to university and again the tears rolled down. I felt like a kid, like I was immature and was making a scene out of it; but these stupid tears would not stop, just STOP!!

I got to class on time, but I only stayed for 20 minutes. I apologized from the professor and left. She could see that I was not feeling well and I was not contributing like I usually did so she let me leave. When I got home, I felt like I was going to collapse; I told the maid to get me some salty food because my blood pressure had dropped. I ate and went to my room; I laid on my bed thinking again what had happened, how I could have done what I did, and why I was feeling this way. I was sad but also angry at myself for being so immature. I could not face my colleagues the next day, what would I do? What would I say? I got up and washed up and went to bed very early. I had cried so much that day that I was drained and I feel asleep so fast that I cant even remember what time it was.

Memories from Iran

Iran is just one of those countries that after being there for more than 1 month, I feel like committing suicide and when I’m not there I miss it like hell. I used to visit Iran at least once a year and used to have a wonderful time with my cousins. The last time I was there was in 2005; I and my sister decided to get away from our daily routine life and just chill out in Iran with the family. We have a pretty big family in Iran and I just love it. When we visit them, they all gather up in one house and sit around us so that we update them with the stories of our lives. When someone from the family in Bahrain visits them after a very long time, they usually slaughter a sheep for that person.

Me and my sister in 2005 in Shiraz

I remember one year, we visited them with one of my brothers who had not been to Iran for a very long time. When we got to my grandmother’s house from the airport, everyone was standing in the front yard with big smiles on their faces and flowers in their hands to welcome us. When we got in, there was a sheep with a man holding a knife in his hand next to it. I knew what was going to happen and I didn’t really want to see, but it would really be disrespectful to leave everyone and go into the house so I stayed there and watched. I felt like the sheep knew what was going to happen, when they were feeding it water, it drank and it just knew what was going to happen next. It started moving around and forcing itself free from the hands of the man. My uncle went and helped the man by holding down the sheep; he cut the throat and in a couple of seconds everything was over. I could not eat meat for the rest of the trip.

The same year, my brother got married to an Iranian girl who lived next to my grandmother’s house. For over two weeks, we celebrated every single day. We would wake up in the mornings have a traditional Iranian breakfast that consisted of Iranian fresh cheese, Iranian bread, fresh mint leaves from my grandma’s yard, cucumber, tomatoes, walnuts, different home made jams and sweet tea. Then we would put Iranian music and dance a little and start working; we would make small gifts to give to the people to remember the wedding. All the neighbors and extended family members would come to help us a little later during the day. Some would be making the gifts, others outside buying things, some making lunch, others worrying about their dresses that did not turn out the way the wanted and me just enjoying myself in the middle of all this commotion. The morning of the wedding was wild; everyone running from room to room trying to find their things for the night. My mother on the phone calling people to make sure everything is going as planned. The men were completely out of sight. They were at the location where the wedding was going to take place. The bride had gone to the saloon early morning to relax and get all fixed up. After lunch, my cousins and me went to a saloon close by and did our hair. My hair was a total mess, I was only 13 so they did whatever they wanted with me and I wouldn’t say a thing. We got home and I could not hold it in anymore; I started crying because I looked like shit. I remember my divorced brother’s wife (who was still married to him back then) came and fixed my hair all over and out makeup for me and told me you look so pretty. She helped me get dressed and gave me some of her jewelry to wear. Anyways we called for taxis and went to the place. The wedding was taking place in a very nice private park a little bit outside the city. When we got there, people had already arrived and the music was on and everyone was having a good time. There was a thin separation between the men and women, but they could see each other; by the end of the party all the men had come to the women’s section and everyone was dancing together.

The next 3 days were all partying. Relatives from the bride and grooms side would come to my grandmother’s house and we would sing and dance all day for 3 days and nights in a row. We had breakfast, lunch and dinner together and many people whose houses were far away would stay for the night. I loved every moment of those days; two people brought all these people with different backgrounds, different lifestyles and different mentalities together, and all of them would get along perfectly. The end of the 3rd night, my brother and his wife said goodbye and went on their honeymoon.

The next morning I woke up and everything was quiet. All the fun was gone; everyone was back to their normal life like nothing had happened the last couple of weeks. One of my cousins came and took me to the movies and that is when my trip to Iran actually started.

If it wasn’t for me

If it wasn’t for me, the world would have been a better place
If it wasn’t for me, animals would have lived in grace
If it wasn’t for me, forests wouldn’t have been cut down
If it wasn’t for me, the dictionary wouldn’t contain the word ‘frown’

If it wasn’t for me, people wouldn’t have starved to death
If it wasn’t for me, no one would have a reason or person to fight with
If it wasn’t for me, we wouldn’t have diseases exist
If it wasn’t for me, birds could build better nests

If it wasn’t for me, angels wouldn’t have had a fight
If it wasn’t for me, I wouldn’t have had to cry at night

I am the Human Being
I am the suffering you have seen
I came into this world empty handed and will leave the same
But the pain and suffering I will leave behind will only have me to blame.

One Big Family

Tonight I was online with my friends from MEPI; Lebanon, Palestine, Kuwait, Egypt, Qatar & Bahrain all talking to each other. Sharing our past, present and future together just like one big family. If only that was possible in today’s world! If only we as Arabs could get together and just sit and discuss things without trying to take advantage of each other. If only we could all join together and be one big happy family like my MEPI UD 06.

Algeria, Tunisia and The two Bahrainis

A warm group Hugh!!

My MEPI Family!!

These are people I hold close to my heart. People who have believed in me and who have always encouraged me to go forward. They never have doubts that I can achieve anything. When I lose hope, I can fall back in their arms and can be sure they will pick me up and send me back into the world. Bahrain, Qatar, Kuwait, United Arab Emirates, Oman, Iraq, Jordon, Lebanon, Palestine, Egypt, Israel, Tunisia, Morocco, Algeria, Syria and the US.